Who Am I Now?

My birthday is coming up at the end of the month. Hurrah! Another year under my belt. Another year I survived this crazy ride called life.

I’ve been asked what I want for my birthday. I’m not a girl who swoons over designer things and I’m pretty happy with the basics in life. I have every material thing I could want, and on the odd occasion I want something (usually stationery or a Kipling bag lol) I buy it for myself. So what do you get the girl who has EVERYTHING?

I have asked for therapy lmao. Seriously. For my birthday I asked for therapy.

I’m so damn lost. A true identity crisis has occurred and it is catching up with me. I was doing so well at holding it together, pretending life was hunky dory and I was the same person I was before I lost over 400lbs.  In a lot of ways I AM the same person, but there are a lot of things I do not understand.  People treat me WAYYYYY differently.  Not people I know, but just general humans.  Before, I got one of 2 responses; I was either invisible and people avoided looking at me at ALL costs, or I was subjected to verbal abuse. Things are so different now.  Not bad mind you, just different, and I find it difficult to process.  It’s the simple things that weird me out…like strangers speaking to me in the queue at the shop, or someone walking by as I wait somewhere and they stare at me until I look up just so they can smile at me!!!! What is this crazy universe I’ve landed in???

Add to that, that I am in, by all accounts, a foreign country.  This country is now my home and I love it, but what I mean is….oh where do I start?  Things that come natural to people born here, do not come natural to me.  I don’t get cultural references pre 2006. Driving around doesn’t come naturally to me like it did in the US.  I loved driving cross country. Driving was my therapy.  I can drive here and do a bit here and there, but it feels foreign.  And it’s not the other side of the road, or the car….it’s none of that as that all feels like the normal way to do things…it’s more the subtle unwritten rules of the road that cause internal chaos.  I’m hoping getting a smaller car to zip around in will help. In the US, my first car at 19 years old was a tiny hatchback and I was fearless in that car.  Maybe the difference is age? lol. 19 year olds behind the wheel are a different beast than 30-something year olds behind the wheel.

Anyhoo, Im not making much sense am I? lol.

So this identity crisis Im experiencing runs so deep that I don’t think I can work my way out of the hole alone.  My BMI has never in my life (well, since I was 2 years old!) been below 70.  I’ve always been a super duper obese individual and learned to navigate the world as such. I had it pretty well sussed.  I was the loudmouth, overly flirtatious, overly confident, fat friend. I am pretty much the complete opposite of that now. Im so introverted it hurts at times. I’m terrified of what people think of me. Every flaw I have seems to be under a magnifying glass that before was only a slight annoyance to me.  And I wouldn’t dare flirt with ANYONE!!!! Oh hell no. The way people treat me is so different that I cannot predict how it would go.  Before, I was undesirable to most people on a sexual level, so overtly flirting was innocent fun that I was 100% sure would never go anywhere.  I don’t feel safe in doing that anymore and that fun, flirty personality is who I was! See how an identity crisis is happening? lol. omg. It’s terrifying!

On top of all of that, I don’t have my roots. None of my family have passports and the only chance I get to see them is when I go over every couple of years. I would give nearly anything just to be able to go to my mom, aunt or sisters when the world becomes too much or too scary, but I don’t have that.  I resent that I don’t have that.  Another issue to discuss in therapy lol.

I want to be a whole person.  A whole, healthy person. I want to let my guard down, I want to figure out WHO I am at the core without pretending to be over confident and without being so introverted Im alone.

This journey has been more mental than I expected.  Now that the weight is trickling off instead of falling off, Im having to face the demons and the reality. The reality is: Im 39 this month and Im as lost about who I am as I was at 12 years old.  I don’t know where I fit into the world anymore and it’s scary. Very scary.

So yeah. For my birthday, my wish is to have therapy lol. And the NHS doesn’t offer proper therapy to otherwise mentally stable people….so private it is!

A recent pic 🙂 Just a selfie this time 🙂

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