Being Authentically Me…and other stuff

Let’s start with the boring bits: still have an open wound and anaemia is kicking my arse.  I feel like the walking dead…no…the slowly limping dead. Seriously. I thought fibro exhaustion was bad…oh holy lord, this iron deficiency is another level of exhaustion. I’m low in all my iron markers and my ferritin is a lonely 7.  I have a referral to a haematologist thankfully, but until then: zombie land!

I’m still stuck with the whole weight loss journey. I haven’t quit or given up, just on hiatus. (oh yeah, speaking of which, I have a hiatus hernia that makes life SO FUN!-not so much, acid is a BITCH!) But yeah, no exercising with iron this low, I can already feel my heart pounding and skipping around and Im still eating high cal/high protein for healing.  ‘Only’ about 12lbs up or so from my lowest, so it’s not as bad as it could be, but damn I’m getting impatient  with my body! Heal up and quit dumping iron so I can kick even more ass!

Now, the reason for this post: Authenticity.  I have been living a life  that isn’t really what’s in my heart. I’ve been living trying to prove to people that I am worthy. Fuck that. I exist, therefore I am worthy. I do not need a university degree or a huge savings account or a luxury car with the fancy named badge on. No. I am a simple girl who gets pleasure from simple things.

I like life. I like life a lot. I love being on stage reading/performing poetry, I love music, I love being by the ocean. Those things make my soul sing.  I need more soul singing in my life. For far too long I have tried to live up to expectations I felt other people had of me. My husband in a physicist with a nice PhD to go along with it. He submits papers and articles…the whole shebang. Good for him.  It makes him happy.  I tried to complete uni (yet again!) to make him and his family happy as Im the only uneducated one. (No one ever voiced these expectations mind you, they are expectations I thought they thought…you know the game lol).

Don’t take all that wrong, I’m in no way stupid, I love to learn and had my textbooks read before the course even started…LOVED IT! However, I struggle with the whole forced ‘correct answer’ by this due date thing. It’s seriously hard to judge the way someone else wants me to answer, Im not a mindreader.  I don’t know why, but writing a paper feels like tortuous punishment instead of the learning opportunity it should be. So I have taken the decision to quit that path. It just isn’t for me. Judge away! Think of yourself as better than me if it helps you out in someway. I’m too old to give a damn anymore.

The things I want to do this year: take a course in creative writing, learn some basic guitar, get back into writing poetry…1 a month to start, go to more readings and slams, and find my own groove. For far too long, well, since I moved to the UK, I have just been in my husbands shadows trying to fit the vision I thought people had of me or for me. Again: fuck that. I’d also like to write a book or 2. Not even for others to read necessarily, just to get it out of me. I feel I have so many stories to tell, that are just sitting there in my brain growing mould from neglect.

I still have health things that can and will set me back. Once woundzilla is healed up, I will be getting my right hip replaced and then once that is healed I will be getting my right knee replaced, but at least I am free of (my self imposed thoughts of) others expectations and can just breathe and be myself. It’s exuasting trying to be everything you aren’t.  Im not a posh (heck, Im not even middle class!), educated lady. Nope. I’m messy, I’m chaotic, I’m funny and I miss laughing! I have no joy. I need to find my joy and I won’t find it pretending to be all things to everyone. I’m not even the same person my husband fell in love with! Thankfully, he still loves me, but I need to love me too and a lot has to change within myself for that to occur.

The lesson here is, don’t try to be something you aren’t or were never meant to be. You will lose yourself, your sense of purpose, and your joy. I’ve accomplished so much and should feel joyful, but it feels like it will never be enough for other people. I quit. I quit living for other people’s validation or sense of comfort.

 

I am me. I am FREE! 

 

Oh yeah, I also hit 3 years post DS on Feb 18th! 🙂 Look at me go! It’s technically now 400lbs lost, but shhhh, just let me have this one as I’ve been through hell! Hopefully next year that will say 450lbs lost 🙂 I’m a dreamer like that.

 

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