I just watched this documentary on netflix…like it just ended this moment and I feel I need to write about it whilst it is still fresh in my mind.
I am bipolar. I have never denied it. It has been used against me more than once. I have been on several meds, some of which caused severe weight gain. Not fun. In fact it made my depressive symptoms a million times worse.
So, this film…it was like looking into a mirror and realising a bunch of shit I keep tucked away in the closet as to appear like a normal, functioning adult. I do a very good job. The hubs helps of course, I’ve never been so stable, but still, hearing other people talking about “faking normal” made me realise I do that VERY WELL.
One thing that was mentioned in the film was seeing shadows. I had forgotten this part of my life COMPLETELY! But starting when I was about 6 years old, I used to see shadows out of the corner of my eye that would follow me everywhere but the minute I tried to look directly at it/them, it would vanish….until next time. Thankfully, I out grew that, but that means my first symptom of bipolar was a 6 fucking years old.
Things only got worse and with an overly protective (?) mother it was difficult. I used to just cry and cry and sob and sob. I couldn’t pin point what was wrong but I felt so deeply hopeless and helpless and DIFFERENT. These long tearful episodes started probably at around age 10. My mother would badger me “What’s wrong?” I would say “I don’t know” and this would repeat until she would angrily storm out of the room yelling “If you don’t tell me what’s wrong, I can’t help you!” Fair enough, that is a rational statement. However, nothing was “wrong” except that I felt like I was being swallowed by a giant black hole.
This disturbs me. You mean I have been “ill” all my fucking life??? So, everything I have done, or have failed to do, has been defined by an illness? FUCK THAT!
Another part of the documentary that rang true to my life is the love/sexual identity conflict. I am not very sexually attracted to men (to put it lightly)…genitals of either sex make my stomach turn but yay boobies lol. But one of the women was a lesbian but fell in love with a man. I completely relate to that. I fell in love with a person whose soul speaks to my own in ways I cannot describe. That person just happens to have a body part that looks like an elephant trunk. No body is perfect right? But I LOVE him, I ADORE him, even the annoying things are cute….still…even after 7 years of marriage.
So yeah. I’m a mixed up girl. Or I WAS a mixed up a girl. I have been very stable since 2010 on nothing other than a mild dose of anti depressants. I have my moments, but the hubs keeps me grounded. He MAKES me go to bed most of the time lol. Of course he doesn’t force me, but he tries to talk me into keeping a somewhat normal schedule as sleep is important for stable mental health. There are still times when I am awake 36 hours a time….insomnia has always been an issue for me, but for the most part we go to bed and get up together.
I don’t talk about this shit much, because I have heard things ranging from “You aren’t bipolar”, “You don’t seem bipolar”, “Stay away from me/my family/my child, you crazy bitch”. So yeah, I tend to not speak about it. But I’m stable now, going on 4 years, which is a huge fucking deal for a non-medicated bipolar.
I’m lucky I have a supportive GP who trusts me to come to her when things go a little off centre…and I have done…which is how I am now on sertraline (Zoloft). I am also lucky to have a partner who is the complete opposite of crazy but is so supportive and understanding. When world have failed me, he has held me. When I was in a rage, he respected my needs not to be touched by anyone. I really couldn’t ask for a better partner, even if he is a HE lol. I love him to bits!
I’m signing off now. I feel raw, and exposed. If you wanna know a little what being bipolar is like, then watch the film “Of Two Minds”. Of course if you aren’t bipolar you will never know how high the highs are nor how soul destroying the lows are…but you might get an idea that we are people…..everyone has issues….and bipolar is mine.