Love and Aspergers (also an update on WLS)

I have mentioned before that I have aspie like issues, but being 35 diagnosis is not relevant and wouldn’t change my life one bit and back in the 80’s in the USA Aspergers was unheard of and even less so for girls.

Where is this post going? I haven’t a clue.

I have learned coping skills over the years but I still see the world wildly different than most people.  I feel this is an advantage.  My stepson has Aspergers, and I am able to help interpret things for him.  There will be times that someone tells a joke or a problem with his homework that he doesn’t understand.  His dad, the Hubz, tries in vein to explain things but can’t quite get there so I step in an explain in it a backwards way that normal people wouldn’t even comprehend.  The hubz is also a wind-up that doesn’t know when he’s gone too far (which is often!)  So I play referee most of the time.  I remember all to well being called an over sensitive cry baby when I was younger as I didn’t understand that teasing was light hearted, and I took it very seriously.

The kiddo has my sympathies, but if he can just make it through childhood, his teens and his early 20’s he will do awesome in life.  He is super smart for his age, yet so immature….and I can relate 100%.  The first 10 years of my life I spent most of my free time having conversations with adults, then the awkward stage of the teens came, and adults became “lame”, but I still didn’t understand my peers.  I was always well liked, but I also never fit in…with anyone or any group.  Once I hit my twenties, it became obvious how immature socially I was.  When I was 20, I felt 15.  I had many teenage friends and liked the same things that 15 years old liked.  As I’ve aged (now 35) I have always felt at least 5 years younger than I am…and I have a baby face as well. Right now I can honestly say I act, feel and look about 23.  I don’t do soaps, or mummy porn reading, instead I like South Park and young adult books…hate the sex stuff, its so dumb!

Sorry for rambling, we’ve had storm weather and my hips are screaming so I hit up the codeine, and that makes me very chatty as well as introspective.  I was thinking of writing letters to my loved ones before my weight loss surgery as there is a risk it could kill me.  I was going through my head of what I would say to whom.  A rather morbid train of thought but I didn’t feel any emotional connection to any of the thoughts until I came to the letter I would write to my stepson.  This was a good moment.  I struggle to feel love.  I care about people obviously, but it’s hard for me to understand love and connect with people on that level.  When I got the tightness in my chest, and my eyes started to sting I realised this must be what love feels like. Maybe?  This is my issue…I KNOW I am supposed to love people, especially my family, but it’s hard for me to put a feeling on love so instead I try to interpret it into a tangible or intellectual thing rather than emotion.  I’m not making sense am I?  I don’t know how to describe it.  I struggle with emotions, both understanding what they are and how to appropriately display them, but also being overly sensitive and emotional sometimes.  (I have read research that stated some girls who are diagnosed as bipolar actually have aspergers, but they display it differently than boys are are thus diagnosed with a mental disorder….it could explain why I do so much better OFF psych meds…those things make me mental AND gain weight!)

Anyways,  think I should write him a letter anyways for when he is older.  He is a great kid and his mum deserves all the credit in the world for raising such a polite, smart kiddo.  I am happy he is able to be a part of my life.  He is only 10.  30 mentally but more like 6 socially.  I want him to know that it will all be ok and there is no one right way to see or experience the world.

It was a good day today, to feel something…even if that feeling manifested for me differently that it would anyone else.  Now when I tell him I love him I can be sure that it is love I feel for him.

I know this post sounded crazy to normal people, but I know what I mean and I’m sure other aspies will understand how hard it is to be sure of feelings.


The second half of this post is a little update on progress.  There isn’t any, lol.  Rang the list lady today and she is sympathetic that I have been on the waiting list since Aug 2011 and told me she was going to speak to Mr P and to ring her next Friday.  Hopefully I will have some news in a week.  Even if I get a date in March 2014, it’s better than not knowing at all 🙂

Hope you all are doing well and keeping warm as winter draws ever closer.

This entry was posted in aspergers, autism, Bipolar II, childhood, Codeine Inspired Posts, Duodenal Switch, joint pain, Life, WLS, WLS and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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