What Am I So Afraid Of?

I’m getting really irritated at myself. Not because I keep bouncing back on the scale, but because I can’t figure out what my subconscious is up to! So frustrating!  And yeah, I’ve tried counselling….it doesn’t work out.  I have a certain type of personality that is talkative and open yet closed.  It’s hard to explain, but the counsellors I have seen, I have paid them to tell me about themselves, lol.  It’s crazy but people just open up to me an unload….and I never get to start work on myself, much less get to the bottom of everything.  So counselling isn’t an option for me, so I’m just going to have to figure it out somehow.

At the moment, I am procrastinating and successfully avoiding Uni work by reading “Motivation for Dummies” by Gillian Burn.  Don’t ya love the irony of procrastinating by reading a book about motivation? LOL. I am awesome like that.  I’m halfway through..it’s an okish book…..more geared towards those who work in the corporate world, but if you did deep there are some gems applicable to personal life. Right now I’m contemplating the part about ‘positive by-products’ of keeping things as they are.  It’s sounds really dumb that I would want to stay this size when I have so much reward coming to me once I get to the size for my apronecotmy and my hips replaced…but there must be something….somewhere, holding me back as I lose a little, lose big, stall, and gain. Wash and repeat over and over and over.  It’s a downward trend, so I’m not on some vicious weight loss treadmill, but it’s still frustrating to be so close to goals and then kick into reverse as if I am running away from it. And I don’t know why.  I get so excited when smaller clothes fit, I can wear cute shoes, I’ve had to move my seat forward in the car…all of this thrills me….so why oh why do I keep going backwards!?!?!?!  ugh!

But…this is part of MY story…..so I’m telling it.  Last week was dire. I got back up to 451.9lbs, this week I am back down to 449.4lbs.  So frustrating. I’ve been close to the 200lbs lost for months now, and I keep doing this fun little dance around it but I can’t seem to get there!!! I’m pulling my hair out here! (Not really, but I did get a really cute hair cut!)  I’m treating myself with kindness and love and am not angry, just a bit….I feel powerless, yet convicted that I have to figure this out!

What am I afraid of?  Turns out…I’m afraid of quite a bit.  The big one is….who will I be if not fat? I know that sounds stupid, but I’ve been super obese since a baby……I’ve just ALWAYS been….being fat IS ME.  So who I be if not fat? I know that sounds soooo stupid, but it would be like someone changing race or something….its quite traumatic.  Even now, I’m still superfat, but less fat that I was before and I can already see people treat me differently.  I really don’t know how to explain it, but I’m scared of being in the real, privileged, non-obese world…I mean….I will be open to advances from men, I will be open to being used by “friends”….Of course fat women have to deal with all of that as well, but not on the global scale that non-fat women do.  It’s hard to explain, but in short, I am afraid of the “real world” and am not sure I will be able to find my place in it.  I struggle enough with identity.  I’m like a person with borderline personalities without the anger and rage…just a lot of confusion about who I really am.

The second fear I have is that my husband will not find me as attractive.  He likes big women, not a freak or a fetish, just a preference and what he finds beautiful or aesthetically pleasing.  I have bored him to tears with conversations of “what-ifs”.  He is such a great guy and is so in love with me that he encourages my weight loss and celebrates every lbs gone with me.  But I can help but fear, what if the smaller me is different than me now and we don’t get along like we do now….I know I’m being terribly pessimistic, but it’s a real concern.  What if I’m a total conceited bitch (worse than now! lol)  Along with all of that, I don’t really believe in divorce. I’m old school. Once you find the one and as long as there is no abuse (verbal, mental or even sexual) then there really isn’t cause for divorce.  I know that is rare, but that’s how I see it, and I made it clear before that I moved to the UK that this was a forever deal, lol, so I don’t really know why I fear this? ugh. I’m so complicated, lol.

And the biggest….I’m afraid people will expect more of me.  I’m one of those people who start great things and when it’s almost finished, I bail…and I’ve always had excuses related to my weight….what if I don’t have that and I just have to suck it up and get on with it?  I mean, when I moved to the UK, I was 1 semester away from having my BA in Social Science….and now, I am starting over with every intent to finish, but that is yet to be seen.  I know I’m not making much sense to most people out there, but this is part of my story, my journey….I am my own worst setback….like split personalities! One wants to be thin, and the other is happy being fat, and they constantly play tug of war with my head!

So what do I do now?  Well….I decided to cut this mammoth journey into small chunks and kinda forget about the huge picture.  I know it’s there. We all know it’s there, but it distracts me.  It’s like climbing a mountain….you don’t hike up it staring at the top…you keep your eyes on the path, occasionally glancing at the top to check your pacing.  That’s what I need to do.  Stop worrying about the end goal and just get to the next marker post.

My husband is going to the States next week, well, he leaves tomorrow.  And in that week, I am going to be as focused as I can be in getting my protein and water in.  I have been majorly sucking with the water lately.  I just need to focus on the small bits…like one day at a time…something I learned in overeaters anonymous several years ago but it never ever sank in as I just wanted to lose weight, I didn’t worry myself with the journey…and that is where I went wrong.  It’s not about weight loss…it’s about treating your body the very best you can, as much as you can, and weight loss will be a byproduct of that.

Anyways, I’ve rambled on long enough now….I should probably get back to my procrastinating, lol. My next weigh in isn’t until May 24 (my 35th bday!!!!!) so I want to make it a memorable one.  I’m trying hard not to put a number target on it and I always screw up when I attach numbers…so I will just say I’m going to treat my body the best I can, and what will be, will be! 🙂

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One Response to What Am I So Afraid Of?

  1. Honey Pye says:

    Well I know where you’re coming from…This is me:
    I’ve lost almost 10 stone and I… I dunno, I seem to be slipping back into old habits again and it’s nothing to do with hunger or greed… there’s something in me that always Self-Sabotage’s. It’s so fking depressing 😦
    I thought that when I lost a certain amount of weight that I wouldn’t have to be so concerned with food and I could just get on with my life but it hasn’t turned out that way.
    I’m constantly thinking about what I should, or should not eat… whether I’ve eaten enough or eaten too much. I’m so sick of food and diet always dominating my life!
    I just want to be a “normal” person who eats well most of the time and has the odd bad day or two and doesn’t sit there constantly torturing themselves over everything that goes into their fricken mouths!
    The plus size of loosing all this weight is that It’s really amazing to be under the radar when I go out, I am no longer abused and made fun of and I’m not the fattest person that I see all day. It’s also really awesome being able to shop in most high street shops for clothes.
    I know what you mean about embracing a new identity of a slimmer woman. Somehow, even with all the abuse that fat people get, there is something comforting about being plus size. I’ve often thought that if society did not revile fat people that I probably would have stayed the size that I was… well maybe not actually because I had really bad back pain and I couldn’t do a lot of stuff so I’m lying there. I’m not even sure what I’m thinking. It’s hard to find the words to express myself.
    OK, of course I feel better and look better. I am able to do more things and I was extremely depressed at 29 stone and on antidepressants.
    I think my issue is, that as a child I was comforted with food, so as an adult when things go tits up for me I want to return to food… back to the source of my much beloved comfort. I know I need to change the way that I think and I have to let food stop controlling my life. I think I’ll take your advice and go by little markers. I feel like my body is saying, OK we’ve lost enough weight we can’t do it any more. Be happy as you are, you look good, you feel better, just forget about trying to loose another 5 stone… it ain’t gonna happen! But I think I have to keep trying to loose a few more stone before I allow myself to be comfortable as I am. I’m a size 20/22 depending on the shop. I want to be a small 20 which is probably more like a size 18. I think If I get to that size, I can finally be happy!


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