I’ve been having a lot of memories/flashbacks lately. Parts of my life I had completely forgotten. They aren’t dark child abuse memories or anything just odd bits. I think the weird weather here in England this spring has me a bit manic and my mind races when I get like this. I’ve been unmedicated for over a year except for the anti-d’s I went on for 3 months in Nov. so I just have to rely on my sense and my support system to keep me grounded. The hubz is great at this. He forces me to go to bed, even if I don’t sleep, he does his best to keep me on a schedule as nothing can trigger me faster than screw up sleep. This was all well and good until he got really ill sunday night. he got a really bad 48 hour stomach bug…I’ve never seen him so sick. So I stayed up with Harley so I could let him out when needed and let the hubz sleep and use the loo as needed. Keep in mind I need a cpap to sleep so this meant I didn’t sleep much other than doseing on the sofa whilst sitting up. I ended up going to bed at 8am and sleeping til 4, then took a nap 6-9. Bad bad bad. I then stayed awake for 36hr afterwards. Silly girl.
Told you this would be random…even a bit rambling!
Now, onto my memories. I was awkward as a child, extremely awkward. I didn’t see the world like everyone else, and I still don’t. Something that puzzles me is my freshman year of high school (14-15yrs old) I was put into a class called REACH. I remember the other kids in the class were delinquents, drug users, and clinically insane kids. Now keep in mind, I was a shy fat mormon kid. WTF was I doing there?!?!?! I’ve asked my mother but she never answered. I remember a chart of like 100 smilie faces with emotions on them and every day we had to chose 5 that we felt. What. the. Fuck? the one thing that class did was interest me in drugs. Not to the point of doing them, but to act like I was on them to fit in with the class. I was told i looked like i was on qualudes. I still to this day do not know what the hell that even is, but hey, they thought I was hardcore. I haven’t thought about that class for decades.
I think the thing that triggered all of this was that it was recently autism day…and I have some autistic characteristics…took the test and I score 36, which is high. But Im so old now a diagnosis doesn’t matter and would not change a thing, but it really got me thinking.
I always got good grades in school yet I was always in special classes. Starting in kindergarden and 1st grade i was put in a physical class because I was clumsy and behind with motors skills. The 2 things I remember about that class is 1) I got yelled and in trouble for not being able to tie my shoes…..I got “sick” as was absent from school for at least a week. 2) I hurt my back a couple of times on the slide because I didn’t “get” that you were supposed to put your feet out when you get to the end, so I just slide down and fell off at the bottom. Thinking about this makes me feel really retarded.
Then starting in 2nd grade I was put in “english house” and “math house” where i was separated from the class for an hour each day for special lessons. I really don’t know why, I was an avid reader as a child, was i stupid and didn’t know it?! When I was younger, I really struggled to understand directions, I was not badly behaved, I just did not understand. In 2nd grade, the teacher assigned us some words to look up in a dictionary and write out definitions and I just sat there. I did not understand what to do, so I got in trouble for not doing what I was told.
I got into trouble a lot at school. In 3rd grade I remember getting my name put on the board (which was horrible back in my day!) all because a girl was talking to me….making fun of me in fact, and yet I got into trouble. Why and how do I remember this shit?! I dunno.
There was something very different about me all during childhood and it wasn’t just that I was fat. I started talking in adult type sentences by the time I was 3. I was also the tallest child in my class until 7th grade. I am the same height now as I was when I was 11, before puberty. I did look into aspergers and in fact the found childhood obesity and super tallness to be a trend. So I dunno.
I’m not looking for sympathy or understanding, I’m trying to understand ME and my life. I’ve just always felt so outside of things. I’ve never really had “best-friends” other than my sisters. I didn’t and still don’t bond with people like everyone else. I have friends I socialise with, but I don’t feel the connection like I know I should. I think it is worse because I KNOW I am different.
And then there are the personality “glitches”. I cannot stand change. It really gets ugly. If I have an appointment and it is changed at the last minute I freak the fuck out and my whole day is wrong. I can’t go anywhere new without someone with me. I also cannot use public transportation…this has always been an issue. It confuses me just to think about it. I would rather risk life and limb to hitch-hike than get on a bus or train where I would end up lost in an unfamiliar place.
One other thing that strikes me is I rock. Not in the I am awesome way, but in the I will rock back and forth in any situation without knowing it. People have asked me in work ” why are you rocking” then my face goes red of embarrassment as I didn’t realise I was doing it. This could also be a family trait. My sister rocks as does an aunt of mine. I remember one time I was sitting on a sofa with my brother and sister, and my brother who was sat between us started shouting at us to stop as he was getting sea sick from our rocking, lol.
I’ve always loved movement. I was a weird child. I used to lock myself in the closet, cross my legs and rotate my torso until I got dizzy and saw stars. On sunny days I used to stick out my arms and spin. I just loved it. I spent a lot of time on my own as a kid and these things were my entertainment.
So yeah. I’m a weirdo. Just had to get all of that out of my system. I have learned to cope well enough and present as a well adjusted adult, but it took me a long long time to get here. I still have idiosyncrasies that are quite autistic, but hey ho. Everyone is different and I embrace my weirdness. I’m also dyslexic….thank goodness for spell check lol or this would not be readable!