First off, Happy New Year to you all 🙂 Hope you had fantastic holidays!
Now, to the topic at hand. Sadness. Have you ever felt sad about losing weight or fitting into a smaller size? I ask this, because right now I am so freaking sad. Excited and proud, but sad. On Christmas I got a coupon/voucher for 40% off my entire order at OneStopPlus and now that they delivery to the UK, I am a regular shopper there. As I was trolling the pages, engaging my inner shop-a-holic, I came across a cute white denim jacket. Non stretchy and WOMENS!!! I usually get mens clothes because they are bigger and shapeless. Anyways, I put it in my cart as a goal item of clothing. I got the biggest size (38w) which has been wayyyy too small for me in the past. And even though I keep losing weight, I still buy the biggest size I can find.
Well…my clothes finally arrived today. I opened up the jacket, which is cute as hell btw. I put it on to gauge how much more I would need to lose to get into it. The shoulders felt nice, then I closed the front. The buttons and button holes overlap. It fucking fits. Holy shit.
Most people would have been happy beyond belief. I however, was struck by a huge HUGE sadness. WTH? Who feels sad about wearing smaller clothes? This girl. I don’t know why. And no, it didn’t trigger a binge…so a major WIN there, but I am sat here feeling very melancholy trying to work out why in the hell I am not jumping for joy. The mind boggles. I wonder why no one talks about this side of the weight loss journey….or maybe I am the only one in the world to feel sad about it? I think I need counselling, lol.
But here is what I think. I think the sadness is a mask for fear. I am afraid to change. I am afraid to be different than I have ALWAYS been. Dramatic weight loss changes you. Some people say it doesn’t or that you are the same person, but I do not believe that. A caterpillar does not become a butterfly (or moth) and then go around pretending to be the same ole caterpillar now does it? So far, I haven’t changed dramatically, but there are small changes and those changes add up to make you someone slightly different that you were before. For me, I am more assertive. I saw what I think, damn the consequences, lol. I am also a bit more selfish, in that I go to the gym, I go to college and I do not give a second thought to leaving my husband home alone. Sod it. He has a life, why shan’t I?
Speaking of the gym. Holy crap. I did well from Jan 2 – Jan 7, then I got struck my serious insomnia. I didn’t sleep the night of Jan 7 and Jan 8 I got 2 hours of sleep. The night of Jan 6 I only slept 4 hours…..so thats like 6 hours sleep in 3 days. I could barely function! I think I am sorted now as I was so exhausted last night from lack of sleep that I passed out as soon as my head hit the pillow. My hips are hurting hella bad today though, I assume this is from the lack of sleep previous nights. Funny how all of our bodies problems are inter-related. In short. I am being a big fat bum today!
Monday I have induction at the gym and for the first time in my life I went on the elliptical/cross trainer. Holy freaking cow. I only lasted 1.5 minutes but my ass muscles and lungs were on FIRE! I had always wanted to use the machines but have always been to heavy, but the gym dude assured me I am fine now and free to use whatever I want. I am also lifting weights as I aspire to be really really strong. I don’t care about thin, I care about mobility, health and fitness….and being able to totally kick ass 🙂
I am still seeing the weight loss nurse. My weight is fluctuating right now, which is no surprise seeing as I am struggling with the weight loss emotionally. I was back up to 458 then came back down to 455, I bet this week I am up again. I have been eating like crapola. Self sabotage at it’s finest. I have it down to an art form! However, with that being said, I would rather go up and down 10lbs for a couple of months, fighting emotional demons than ignore them, hurry to goal and then regain everything. That would send me over the edge. So instead, I lose a lot slower than everyone else but am trying to deal with the emotions WHILST losing weight, not after the fact.
We have all seen it….Oprah is a good example, she keeps focusing on the number on the scale and her feelings that she feels made her fat, but she does not deal with the emotions of losing each 5lbs or going down in clothing sizes, she only exhibits pride and happiness…but there is more to it than that! And then there is David Elmore Smith. Poor fucking guy, seriously. He did a documentary with the now famous trainer which shall not be named. But David started at like 640 ish…just under my start weight. He did vigorous training and dieting, all the whilst being excited and celebrating all the mile stones….but he did not deal with his shit. And we ALL have shit. Loads and loads of shit. He is a great guy btw, I kinda stalk him online, lol, he is on my twitter and fb and youtube 😉 If ya gunna stalk people ya gotta do it properly 😛 I do NOT feel sorry for him. Pity helps no one. I do FEEL for him though and everyone was pushing him and cheering him on, not giving a damn about what was going on in his head. Fuck those people. He has gained most of the weight back and is now working his way back down. I hope he figures it all out because I haven’t. I just know that it takes me a few months of bouncing around 10lbs to finally let it go forever. I have adapted the “slow but steady wins the race” motto. And so far it is treating me well.
That’s me, up and out! 🙂