Losing the Fat, Losing Myself

I weighed yesterday.  I couldn’t stop myself.  I had been getting weighed at my GP office weekly for the past couple of months but between my lovely chest infection and the weight loss nurse getting a promotion, I hadn’t weighed since Sept 30 and am not going to GP until Oct 22nd…and I HAD to know.

I now weigh 461lbs.  I cried.  And they weren’t exactly happy tears.  I *know* losing weight and getting healthy is what I WANT, but there is so much mental shit going on as well.  I posted something to that effect on my fb and a friend who is also large and on a weight loss journey said it was like losing part of you.  Isn’t that the truth?  Someone who has never been super obese cannot even fathom that paradox.  But, I have always been large…FAT.  If I am not fat, the fattest person in the room, who am I?

So, I cried myself to sleep last night even though I was proud as anything of myself for doing so well whilst not being monitored by the weight loss nurse.  Something inside of me weeps.  It’s so hard to explain without sounding psychotic, lol.  I have ALWAYS, since I can remember (about age 3) the fattest person around.  It’s not a position I LIKE, but it is a position I KNOW….and everyone has comfort zones even if said comfort is uncomfortable.

All of my clothes are too big.  I realised that last night as I lifted my arms to stretch.  My tshirts have a spare 15 inches on each side. :/  Time to go through the closet and part with all my hard sought after cute fat girl clothes.  Clothes.  Oh how I love thee!  I am a clothes hoarder.  I grew up poor, and fat, before fat clothes were available….so I had very little to wear, and most of it was worn and torn so now, clothes are a huge deal to me.  I am *trying* to curb my appetite for clothes.  I am now down to ONE double wardrobe that has two hanging rails and a chest of drawers.  Two months ago, I had 2 double wardrobes, a single wardrobe and the chest of drawers. The challenge for this weekend is to sort through my clothes and if it is too big, it goes, no matter how cute it is!

Wish me luck.  Getting rid of things has never been easy for this poor girl!  Wish I knew some superduper sized people in the UK who wore large tshirts as I would donate them.  I did ebay once, but it was super girly stuff which sold easily.  This is more my comfort tomboy tshirt style stuff.

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