It’s 3:12am and I can’t sleep. I have been ill for a week and a half so far. Hubz brought back a bug from America and we have both been very poorly. Chest infections and antibiotics galore. Fun fun fun. I am miserable. This is the sickest I have been in many YEARS! The chest infection aggravates my asthma so I have to carry around an inhailer at all times and my ears are plugged up like when I used to get ear infections as a child. Needless to say I am feeling pretty sorry for myself. However, I think I may be on the mend. Afterall, my dear friend (haha) insomnia seems to be back…ugh!
So, I read a really really good book the last couple of days. It has completely changed my perspective of my journey. Being obese for a lifetime, instead of just adulthood, has meant I have had to delve into myself like no other to try and figure out how to get healthy once and for all. I think I am starting to figure it out. There are three things I learned. #1. I may seem like a confident individual but my self esteem is shit. #2. I act like I don’t care, but in fact I obsess over what I think other people are thinking about me and #3 my most basic problem is NOT my weight, but in fact my addiction/relationship with food. I am working on these.
So in light of this, I am going to concentrate on me and feeding my body nourishing things. One thing I learned, that seriously struck a chord was:
You can eat anything you want, in any amount! This is a choice! BUT, in making that CHOICE, you also choose the consequences of lethargy, self hatred and possibly weight gain. But you CAN choose it, just acknowledge that you do have a choice!
(Eating Less, Say Goodbye to Overeating by Gillian Riley) GREAT BOOK!!!!
It has left me with a lot to think about. The self esteem is central because I need to believe that I AM worth the work. This is huge. I always wondered why my weight loss plateaued at 480 each and every time I lost weight. I couldn’t seem to get passed it come hell or highwater, but it is clear now, that I didn’t feel I was worth the work or effort and ended up sabotaging myself out of low self esteem.
To work on this aspect of myself, I have ordered “The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem” and I plan on doing all the homework that comes with it. I have got to sort all of this out!!!
Now, this does not mean I do not have weight loss goal, because I do, but it means my priority is feeding myself wholesome foods knowing that the weight will come off.
I want to lose 10lbs by Halloween
I want to lose 30lbs by New Years Eve
I want to lose 75lbs by My 35th bday May 24.
In WLS news, I got a letter from my surgeon for friggen February. Seriously? So yeah. That’s where that is at. Not even sure I want more surgery at this point. I keep going back and forth….its such a huge step and so risky…and I am still losing weight, albeit slowly.
I dunno. Im tired. Listening to the new P!NK album and nothing makes sense, lol. Wish I could sleep!