Well, the weather outside couldn’t be much more depressing. Grey, rainy and very very windy. But I woke up with courage. Courage to carry on. Everything isn’t magically better and I am not all smiles, but I am also not a black pit of desperation. There IS a glimmer of hope.
My husband is the best ever. He hugs me so tight and promises that everything will be alright…even though I know he is probably lying/in denial, his pep-talks are usually enough to make me believe I can make it through another day.
It’s not surprise that I ate like shit yesterday. I didn’t each much, but holy shit, when you eat cheese, that shit adds up QUICK! So yeah, yesterday is a lost day. Today is new and I will treat my body the best that I know how.
We were due to have some friends come over tonight, but it might not happen. If it does not happen, I am thinking a hardcore workout is in order as the bleeding to death has finally ceased….for now. I haven’t worked out in a week, due to being a woman, and omg I feel so different….like shitty different. Last week I could feel muscles hardening, even though weight loss was elusive, I still lost 8 inches in one week which was pretty amazing! But yeah, one week without workouts suck.
I *know* what you are thinking….”Why didn’t you workout at home” Well, for starters, I do not have a pool in my back garden. I am disabled. I cannot do what you do. I went to see two film with my husband on thursday and it took me until today (Saturday) to be able to move without crying….which is probably why I was so depressed. Being physically disabled is SHIT! I have been bipolar…well…forever, but diagnosed in 2002…so that’s 10 years? Yeah, in 10 years I never felt so invisible and hopeless as I do now as a physically disabled person. It. Is. SHIT!
So enough woe is me…let’s talk about life.
The films we saw were What to Expect When You Are Expecting…which was…well…pretty lame and I LIKE chick flicks. It doesn’t help that I am childless (don’t have one of my own) and I don’t really WANT one of my own…there are way too many children in this world already AND it is a terrifying place to bring up children in…so no thanks. It was cute in places but I wouldn’t recommend seeing it in cinema.
Then there was the Dictator. OMG. LMFAO! This film is not for the politically correct….at all. And it isn’t for the general humour crowd. This is for an audience aware of the Israel/Iran conflict and able to laugh at American culture. As an American in the UK (and exposed to more world events than a typical American) I found it absolutely piss my self, laugh out loud, FUNNY! Seriously, haven’t seen a film that funny in ages…and as a side note, I hated Borat and thought it was boring…except for the chicken scene.
So yeah. Just had confirmation our guests aren’t coming. Think I shall go for a workout. It’s gunna be tricky. My stepson desperately wants to go swimming with me. The timing works out ok as there is a general swim before my workout time, however, I do not think he realises that people will be cruel. I have tried to tell him that even though he loves me as I am, not everyone can see past looks. He insists he doesn’t care what people say (he’s 9, a young 9) but I do worry that people will take the piss out of him because of his huge stepmum.
It doesn’t help that even I think negative things. As I’m in the pool doing crunches and my big black bathing suit covered belly comes out of the water, I feel a strong kindred with Killer Wales. I’m dyslexic and can’t spell for shit and my spell checker isn’t picking up Orcas….is that how you spell it? Fuck if I know! So because I think these things about myself, and I do *love* myself, I can only imagine what the DailyMail reading, fat hating public are thinking. I can only imagine, though I try not to!
Things are looking up from here. A workout tonight, along with a Starbucks light caramel Frapp and a english bbq tea (bbq dinner no matter the weather).
Killing oneself is rarely the answer. It’s just distracting yourself long enough until you come to that conclusion. For me, my distraction happens to be food and sleep. They aren’t good for me, but they keep me alive. And I doubt one day of going over my calories is really going to matter 5 years from now.
Brightest Blessings and Love to you all 🙂