I have been working my ass off for the past month. Counting calories and working out for 6hrs a week minimum.
My total loss from May 13 to June 12 is a whole 3 lbs. It started out great. I lost loads in the beginning. But then it came back when I started working out harder. I *know* it is muscle, how else could I lose 8 inches in 7 days? But what the scale says still stings a bit. At this weight I should be losing a lot faster….or at least I would be on a “diet”. Although I am doing my damndest not to let my obsessive-nature take over and diet. That would be asking to fail. As we have heard over and over and over that diets, 95% of diets, fail and people gain ALL the weight back (and more) within 5 years or less. I am trying so hard to work WITH my metabolism. This could be the reason a) I am not losing very much and b) I am disappointed with such a small loss.
I wrote in my diary on May 13 that I weighed 486lbs. My plan was to lose 15lbs or more a month. Yeah, that didn’t happen. Maybe it will speed up once I stop building muscle? I dunno. I have never exercised so hard whilst trying to lose weight. Im confused and lost. Most people say “at least you lost/didn’t gain” or “see, you really DO need surgery”.
It doesn’t help that I am having the WORST period in ages. I just went through 10 days of PMDD. (It’s PMSes ugly psychotic cousin) I considered suicide, I considered divorce….it was bad. Very very bad. I felt better mentally on Sunday but then the blood came. And it is physically the worst in ages. I cannot leave my house. I am in bed most of the time. I’m in a lot of pain…think how it would feel if someone scraped your insides out with a rusty spork. Yeah. Fun times. So why tell you all of this? It means Aqua Aerobics is out of the question. I have to just hold tight and accept what the scale tells me and then work my ass off next week when I can get back in the pool. (ps- Im allergic to tampons)
Sometimes it feels like I just can’t win this battle. And my battle isn’t even to get thin! I just need to get to a bmi of 40 so I can get my hips and knees replaced so I can function like a normal human being. It would be so easy to give up and disappear until the emergency services cut my dead body out of my house whilst the Daily Fail reporters snap shots and exaggerate the truth whilst robbing my dead body of its last hope of dignity. But something in me screams “Fight Fight Fight!”