Contemplating

Now I’m watching Family Fat Surgeons, gotta love fat documentaries. I have so many emotions about WLS and I have no idea if it is normal or not.

I tried to approach the subject of death and me dying during surgery, which is a real possibility, and my husband didn’t want to discuss it. Guess I will just have to write everything in a letter just in case. I mean, at the moment he doesn’t even know how to get ahold of my mom. Plus he would need log in names and passwords for my online stuff…and we would need to discuss funeral etc and he just doesn’t want to face it. I know that it isn’t a fun subject, but if I don’t think about it or talk about how will he know information that he needs to know.

I’ve been preoccupied about death lately. There are times when I realise just how big I am and it terrifies me and then I start thinking I am going to have a heart attack at any moment. Sometimes I feel like I won’t wake up. This is no way to live. I try to be strong and not talk about it and when I do talk about it I am shot down and told I am going to be fine. What if I’m not fine? I’m killing myself.

I don’t know. WLS is the last option for me, I have exhausted everything else. I have 20 stone or 280lbs to lose before I am 250lbs. I will still be morbidly obese when I reach my goal…but I won’t go to bed wondering if I will wake up.

I hope everything goes ok with my GP. Things are complicated because I have recently moved to a different county, which could effect funding. I’m really nervous about what my GP has to say. I know it could be a long time (2 years) before I get the surgery and I just hope I live that long. She is a great GP and I don’t want to lose her, but I don’t know what the rules are about staying with your GP after a move. I hope she is able to get the ball rolling and that I can at least get a consultation for the surgery.

Oi. I have so many emotions. I am sorry for those of you anti WLS. But this is my blog is where I feel I should have free reign to discuss my life….I don’t use a real journal…so this is it…my life.

Now..my emotions. I keep going back and forth between knowing I need the surgery to thinking I can do this on my own. I keep going from being hopeful to being angry. I can’t believe I am in this situation to begin with where I have to risk my life…to have a chance at life. It feels weird in that the world of size there are two sides….those who have had surgery and those who haven’t. Even after I have the surgery I’m going to have fat memories, I can’t just erase my past and it’s going to be odd…a mind fuck if you will…to be smaller and have memories of being so much larger. Am I over thinking this or am I just preparing myself. I can’t tell the difference.

Well….that’s what I’ve been up to…just obsessing about different things, death, weightloss…the death of a former self. It’s so complex.

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