Today sorta sealed the deal for me. I begged my husband not to make me go with him and my stepson to his parents house, but he insisted. I knew what was in store….I knew the situation which would arise.
We arrived…at there is was, staring at me in the face. That situation I wanted so badly to avoid. Everyone sitting outside enjoying the awesome weather in those FRAGILE CHEAP ASS PLASTIC GARDEN CHAIRS! What was I going to do? I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for a while. I felt like such an outcast….different and freakish. I think my father-in-law heard me crying a little because when I came out, he was standing there and asked if I was ok. I faked a smile and said I was fine….with tears rolling down my face.
Everyone came inside, thank god and then they all played Wii Fit. Something else I could not join in on as the fit board has a weight limit of 350lbs. I tried really hard just to enjoy watching other people play it, but fucking hell I am so tired of THIS being my life…trying to be happy just by watching life go by. Well you know what? IM NOT! I’m not happy to stand on the sidelines anymore….I want some enjoyment for myself. I am sick of this lackluster life. I know some of you don’t understand/don’t agree…but honestly, until you weigh over 500lbs, your opinion of my quality of life doesn’t mean beans to me.
I could just sit here and cry. I thought of slitting my wrists today. I haven’t had that sort of suicidal ideation in a long time. This life that I have right now, it isn’t worth living. I am so sure of my decision now that IF I do die during surgery, at least I tried, ya know? If I don’t try, I will be stuck in this hell hole of a body, not doing anything.