Who Am I Now?

My birthday is coming up at the end of the month. Hurrah! Another year under my belt. Another year I survived this crazy ride called life.

I’ve been asked what I want for my birthday. I’m not a girl who swoons over designer things and I’m pretty happy with the basics in life. I have every material thing I could want, and on the odd occasion I want something (usually stationery or a Kipling bag lol) I buy it for myself. So what do you get the girl who has EVERYTHING?

I have asked for therapy lmao. Seriously. For my birthday I asked for therapy.

I’m so damn lost. A true identity crisis has occurred and it is catching up with me. I was doing so well at holding it together, pretending life was hunky dory and I was the same person I was before I lost over 400lbs.  In a lot of ways I AM the same person, but there are a lot of things I do not understand.  People treat me WAYYYYY differently.  Not people I know, but just general humans.  Before, I got one of 2 responses; I was either invisible and people avoided looking at me at ALL costs, or I was subjected to verbal abuse. Things are so different now.  Not bad mind you, just different, and I find it difficult to process.  It’s the simple things that weird me out…like strangers speaking to me in the queue at the shop, or someone walking by as I wait somewhere and they stare at me until I look up just so they can smile at me!!!! What is this crazy universe I’ve landed in???

Add to that, that I am in, by all accounts, a foreign country.  This country is now my home and I love it, but what I mean is….oh where do I start?  Things that come natural to people born here, do not come natural to me.  I don’t get cultural references pre 2006. Driving around doesn’t come naturally to me like it did in the US.  I loved driving cross country. Driving was my therapy.  I can drive here and do a bit here and there, but it feels foreign.  And it’s not the other side of the road, or the car….it’s none of that as that all feels like the normal way to do things…it’s more the subtle unwritten rules of the road that cause internal chaos.  I’m hoping getting a smaller car to zip around in will help. In the US, my first car at 19 years old was a tiny hatchback and I was fearless in that car.  Maybe the difference is age? lol. 19 year olds behind the wheel are a different beast than 30-something year olds behind the wheel.

Anyhoo, Im not making much sense am I? lol.

So this identity crisis Im experiencing runs so deep that I don’t think I can work my way out of the hole alone.  My BMI has never in my life (well, since I was 2 years old!) been below 70.  I’ve always been a super duper obese individual and learned to navigate the world as such. I had it pretty well sussed.  I was the loudmouth, overly flirtatious, overly confident, fat friend. I am pretty much the complete opposite of that now. Im so introverted it hurts at times. I’m terrified of what people think of me. Every flaw I have seems to be under a magnifying glass that before was only a slight annoyance to me.  And I wouldn’t dare flirt with ANYONE!!!! Oh hell no. The way people treat me is so different that I cannot predict how it would go.  Before, I was undesirable to most people on a sexual level, so overtly flirting was innocent fun that I was 100% sure would never go anywhere.  I don’t feel safe in doing that anymore and that fun, flirty personality is who I was! See how an identity crisis is happening? lol. omg. It’s terrifying!

On top of all of that, I don’t have my roots. None of my family have passports and the only chance I get to see them is when I go over every couple of years. I would give nearly anything just to be able to go to my mom, aunt or sisters when the world becomes too much or too scary, but I don’t have that.  I resent that I don’t have that.  Another issue to discuss in therapy lol.

I want to be a whole person.  A whole, healthy person. I want to let my guard down, I want to figure out WHO I am at the core without pretending to be over confident and without being so introverted Im alone.

This journey has been more mental than I expected.  Now that the weight is trickling off instead of falling off, Im having to face the demons and the reality. The reality is: Im 39 this month and Im as lost about who I am as I was at 12 years old.  I don’t know where I fit into the world anymore and it’s scary. Very scary.

So yeah. For my birthday, my wish is to have therapy lol. And the NHS doesn’t offer proper therapy to otherwise mentally stable people….so private it is!

A recent pic 🙂 Just a selfie this time 🙂

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Being Authentically Me…and other stuff

Let’s start with the boring bits: still have an open wound and anaemia is kicking my arse.  I feel like the walking dead…no…the slowly limping dead. Seriously. I thought fibro exhaustion was bad…oh holy lord, this iron deficiency is another level of exhaustion. I’m low in all my iron markers and my ferritin is a lonely 7.  I have a referral to a haematologist thankfully, but until then: zombie land!

I’m still stuck with the whole weight loss journey. I haven’t quit or given up, just on hiatus. (oh yeah, speaking of which, I have a hiatus hernia that makes life SO FUN!-not so much, acid is a BITCH!) But yeah, no exercising with iron this low, I can already feel my heart pounding and skipping around and Im still eating high cal/high protein for healing.  ‘Only’ about 12lbs up or so from my lowest, so it’s not as bad as it could be, but damn I’m getting impatient  with my body! Heal up and quit dumping iron so I can kick even more ass!

Now, the reason for this post: Authenticity.  I have been living a life  that isn’t really what’s in my heart. I’ve been living trying to prove to people that I am worthy. Fuck that. I exist, therefore I am worthy. I do not need a university degree or a huge savings account or a luxury car with the fancy named badge on. No. I am a simple girl who gets pleasure from simple things.

I like life. I like life a lot. I love being on stage reading/performing poetry, I love music, I love being by the ocean. Those things make my soul sing.  I need more soul singing in my life. For far too long I have tried to live up to expectations I felt other people had of me. My husband in a physicist with a nice PhD to go along with it. He submits papers and articles…the whole shebang. Good for him.  It makes him happy.  I tried to complete uni (yet again!) to make him and his family happy as Im the only uneducated one. (No one ever voiced these expectations mind you, they are expectations I thought they thought…you know the game lol).

Don’t take all that wrong, I’m in no way stupid, I love to learn and had my textbooks read before the course even started…LOVED IT! However, I struggle with the whole forced ‘correct answer’ by this due date thing. It’s seriously hard to judge the way someone else wants me to answer, Im not a mindreader.  I don’t know why, but writing a paper feels like tortuous punishment instead of the learning opportunity it should be. So I have taken the decision to quit that path. It just isn’t for me. Judge away! Think of yourself as better than me if it helps you out in someway. I’m too old to give a damn anymore.

The things I want to do this year: take a course in creative writing, learn some basic guitar, get back into writing poetry…1 a month to start, go to more readings and slams, and find my own groove. For far too long, well, since I moved to the UK, I have just been in my husbands shadows trying to fit the vision I thought people had of me or for me. Again: fuck that. I’d also like to write a book or 2. Not even for others to read necessarily, just to get it out of me. I feel I have so many stories to tell, that are just sitting there in my brain growing mould from neglect.

I still have health things that can and will set me back. Once woundzilla is healed up, I will be getting my right hip replaced and then once that is healed I will be getting my right knee replaced, but at least I am free of (my self imposed thoughts of) others expectations and can just breathe and be myself. It’s exuasting trying to be everything you aren’t.  Im not a posh (heck, Im not even middle class!), educated lady. Nope. I’m messy, I’m chaotic, I’m funny and I miss laughing! I have no joy. I need to find my joy and I won’t find it pretending to be all things to everyone. I’m not even the same person my husband fell in love with! Thankfully, he still loves me, but I need to love me too and a lot has to change within myself for that to occur.

The lesson here is, don’t try to be something you aren’t or were never meant to be. You will lose yourself, your sense of purpose, and your joy. I’ve accomplished so much and should feel joyful, but it feels like it will never be enough for other people. I quit. I quit living for other people’s validation or sense of comfort.

 

I am me. I am FREE! 

 

Oh yeah, I also hit 3 years post DS on Feb 18th! 🙂 Look at me go! It’s technically now 400lbs lost, but shhhh, just let me have this one as I’ve been through hell! Hopefully next year that will say 450lbs lost 🙂 I’m a dreamer like that.

 

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Tai Chi and Yoga

One of my goals this year is to blog more. More for myself so I have a record in one place instead of bits and pieces on Facebook. So yay, more postings from moi!

Since my duodenal switch in 2014, I have not been able to stand up straight. You know the gramma in Tweety in Sylvester? yeah, that’s how I am 24/7 since then. Post DS complications, immobility/bed rest and dealing with a wound did not help. Then my left hip went to shit and well, here I am, nearly 3 years later and still unable to stand up straight.  I can’t tell how much is arthritis and how much is muscular. I have mentioned it to GPs before but because I have so much going on health wise, it always gets pushed back.

I have learned to deal with having a hunched over back, mostly, until last weekend when I was sitting on the edge of the bed with my legs down when hubz did a cute, romantic, spontaneous thing of coming up and pushing me down for a kiss. I screamed out in pain! omg, my back does NOT go that way any more! It should! Im not even 40 yet and lying on an edge with feet dangling should not make me scream bloody murder. I this caused me to think…a lot, about what *I* could do to try to improve this.

My first thought was YOGA!!! Yoga is good for stretching, right? So I turned on YouTube via apple TV and watched Yoga videos. Holy lord.  Even with the words ‘floorless’, ‘plus size’, ‘beginners’, ‘arthritis’, or ‘disabled’….ALL OF THESE FOOLS END UP ON THE FLOOR!!!!!!  My knees are shot, especially my right knee as it took the brunt of overcompensating when my left hip went very bad very quick.

So, back to square one.  I spent 8 hours on YouTube yesterday, with determination to find SOMETHING to help me stretch my back a little bit each day and see if I can’t get some posture back.  That’s when I decided to hit up google. I google imaged yoga…and that lead to pilates…and that lead to Tai Chi.  Now the name Tai Chi conjures up 2 things in my mind, Chi Tea lol and violent martial arts. But then I YouTubed Tai Chi for beginners and found that I could do about 10 minutes of the warm up (hey! be nice, I only started yesterday!! haha). I did it again today and I swear I can feel a different when I stand and walk. In 2 days I have felt progress! yay!

Then last night I had a lightbulb moment.  I can’t get off of the floor because of my knees, how can I get around that? (I’m not one for succumbing to obstacles for too long).  KNEE PADS!!!! Why didn’t I think of this sooner!? Ah well, thanks to Amazon Prime, I now have knee pads! Spent £8 and I got builders ones with a single strap and I have some seriously chunky legs that would not fit an XL in the comfy/cool looking ones.  They work!!! I was able to get on the floor moaning in pain, as it still hurt, but I could do it and not be stranded on the floor for hours waiting for someone to rescue me. Bloody brilliant!

So, I YouTubed some of that plus size yoga from yesterday and tried it out. omg. I wish I would have recorded that shit…COMEDY GOLD!!!! I started with something easy: Plus Size Yoga Simple and this is what came up: Plus Size Yoga Simple Sun Salutations.  It was all going fairly well…and surprisingly, I can PLANK!!! Holy shit, I can plank!  Now, if you watch the video after the plank she says something like ‘lower yourself down slowly and gently’…..well…..I came down quickly with a thud and then started giggling like mad woman about how I can’t do the simplest of things. I really wish I could show the world because it was HILARIOUS, but you’d have to have been there to understand just how funny it was lol.  But the knee pads did their job, I was able to get off of the floor without shooting pains and then falling back down. I’m stoked I thought of it!

Now I have two things I can do for stretching, the Tai Chi warm up and the Plus Size Yoga up until she says lower yourself down lol, thats my exit stage cue, but hopefully a couple of weeks of those 2 things and I will notice some strength in my back that hasn’t been there for nearly 3 years. It’s not exercise as such and doesn’t make me sweat, but it feels good to focus on something physical right now as Im missing exercise and the focus and oneness I feel with my body when seeing how far, how fast and how hard it can go.

This will suffice for now. 🙂

Posted in arthritic hips, arthritis, Disability, Disabled, DS, Duodenal Switch, FAT, Fitness, Fitness/Exercise, Funny, Health, joint pain, Life, osteoarthritis, Pain, Weight Loss, WLS | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Happy New Year (and Merry Christmas!)

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone! I hope 2016 was good for you on a personal level, as we all know the idols of our childhoods have dropped like flies. 2017 can only get better!

I don’t really do resolutions as to me those are trendy goals, expected to be given up on by mid-February. However, there are some things I would like to continue to work on and some new things I would like to incorporate into my life. One of my main areas of focus is going to be social media and my overuse of it.  I have done FB fasts before and Im always amazed at how productive I am and how much more peaceful I feel. So with that being said, I acknowledge I need to find a balance with real life and social media.  I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to just delete the whole thing and not look back, but it’s not that simple for me as that is the primary way my family in the USA have to contact me…sooooo, I need to hide the app from myself on my phone and limit my time on social media to just before bed or something.

As far as weight loss goes, I plan to still struggle along. I saw my surgeon Dec 23rd who is over the moon with my success (even though Im not lol) and said he would be perfectly happy if I never lost another pound but that knowing me I will keep on.  He is a smart man and knows me pretty well! For now, my weight goal for 2017 is to hit 225lbs and stay there a while. This morning I was 249lbs, I have no idea how that compares to what I was for my last update, but its quite a bit up from where I was at my lowest-232lbs. So yeah. That blows!

The reason for the weight gain is my open wound that Im still….STILL dealing with from my apronectomy Aug 5, 2016. Healing Woundzilla became priority number uno so I had to eat A LOT….like 3000 cals minimum, with a major focus on protein.  Now for anyone who is anyone knows that even with protein as a focus, you will put on some weight with 3000 cals a day.  Good lord, the mind games are BACK!!!  I can’t remember, but assume I disclosed I struggle with B.E.D. (binge eating disorder) and WLS does not touch your dysfunctional brain. Nope. Soooo, being given the red light to eat, eat is what I have done. Has it helped Woundzilla? Yes! I’m healing faster this time than I did with my duodenal switch and this wound had undermining/tunnelling and went from hip to hip. The eating has helped me physically, but holy lord the mental fuckery is off the CHARTS!!!!! I need to get a grip mentally.  Confession time: sometimes I find myself eating to the point of being sick….ON PURPOSE!!!  Yeah, that is NOT healthy, physically OR mentally.  I am going to focus my energy on getting my disordered brain back in line. I was doing so well post apronectomy and then it all went to hell in a hand-basket very quickly.

My journey isn’t over, not even close. I don’t think it will ever be over. With a duodenal switch, you always, ALWAYS need to be on top of your vitamins and labs no matter the number on the scale…so I carry on doing the things and feeling like a failure at the same time.  I’m sure I will make my goals, some how some way. Right now, the gym is out of the question as I sweat when I work out…great right? But I can only shower ever 2 days to help Woundzilla heal…and I am not one who can just sit in my own stench, so the gym will wait.

I still need my right hip and right knee replaced, but the one thing you cannot have when getting joint replacements, is an open wound. My life is on hold, again, still. Meh. It’s life and there are lessons to be learned along the way.

This year I am going to focus on what I REALLY want from life. I don’t even know what that is yet and Im nearly 40. Mentally I feel about 25 so that doesn’t help! But yeah, more me time, reading more books, less social media, less disordered thinking, more healthy choices…I really gotta get my shit together! Once Woundzilla is healed up, I’d love to say it will be ON…and it will be, until I get my hip replacement and I start the healing process all over again. Tis life though! Everyone struggles, some just deal with it better than others. I still don’t know which side of that I am on, but I do know by reading posts in groups on FB that I don’t moan about life as much as I could, so that’s a bonus haha.

Now without further ado, here is my awesome Christmas outfit. It was amazing and I felt like the embodiment of the Christmas spirit 🙂

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Posted in arthritic hips, arthritis, Binge Eating Disorder [BED], Diet, Disability, Disabled, DS, Duodenal Switch, Health, Life, Losing Weight, Obesity, osteoarthritis, Pain, Weight Loss, WLS | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Ugh…Things Haven’t Gone to Plan

Sooooooo, after my last update, my incision opened…massively. I’ve been dealing with a huge wound since middle of August. There was serious tunnelling/undermining of the apronectomy line. Ernies line is a fading scar now, but as I sit here, I am awaiting the district nurses to come dress my wound. I was on their daily schedule, I’ve had a wound vac etc but now I am down to 2 days a week. YAY!

OMG. This has been a disheartening nightmare. I don’t post much frustration on FB for those who know me there as I try so hard to keep positive.  It has been REALLY tough on me to have this set back. Not only do I have an open wound (no pool, no gym as you get hot and sweaty requiring dressing changes), but I also had to increase calories and protein.  I don’t even know where to begin really.

I did hit an all time low weight of 232, but that was short-lived once my wound opened up. I was told to get minimum 200g of protein and minimum 3000 absorbable calories. Yeah, that fucked things up real quick! I’m so discouraged and disappointed to see 250 on the scales again.  I can easily say ‘it’s not my fault, I had to’ and it is true, I had to feed woundzilla and I can see how it helped as she is pretty shallow now, but DAMN. I feel so shitty and like I have failed. I know I can and will get back down to at least 235 as I felt pretty damn good there, but the feeling of failure is real. It’s not my fault, it’s not fair, but I still feel it is ALL my fault. bleh.

So in good news, there is SOME lol. I finally got around to getting my British Citizenship 🙂 I now have dual nationality. That’s pretty cool, right?  My immiversary is coming up on Dec 13th….10 years I have been here! That’s crazy. Those 10 years have gone by crazy fast.

Here is a pic from my citizenship ceremony in Sept 🙂 14364742_10153718804202676_4773583719617300272_n

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Under 250 Post Apronectomy

Well, hello there big bad internet! It’s been a while….over 6 months and nothing much had changed.  I did hit a new low weight of 266, but quickly bounced up to 269 and stayed there come hell or high water.

On Aug 5th I had a repair of a huge hernia that was causing vomiting with eating that I had dealt with for over 2 years. His name was Ernie. Ernie the hernia and I hope he is rotting in the darkest, hottest of hernia hells right now.  My surgeon said yesterday whilst releasing me from hospital that ‘it REALLY was a huge hernia’. Well no shit sherlock holmes lol I’ve been telling you that for 2 bloody years! I’m not a drama queen, I just have shit luck lol.  But yeah, Ernie is GONE!!!!

I also had an apronectomy. Got rid of that dead weight skin/belly flap. Plastic surgeon said it was the biggest piece he had personally removed: 23lbs! Funny enough, that incision doesn’t really hurt at all…it’s the hernia fix that is killing me.

I have 2 incisions that meet.  Sorta like an anchor shape.  The hernia incision starts at the bottom of boobs in middle of abdomen and goes all the way down and meets the incision of the apronectomy.

Ernie was caused by the emergency surgery after I started to bleed out an hour post duodenal switch. That scar was over a foot long and horizontal. I think I posted a bit about that ordeal, but it was a deep, long open wound that took 2 days short of a year to heal completely. Then Ernie was born. Fuck him. Seriously.  That’s when my weight loss slowed right the hell down and I got sick off of everything after 2 bites or swallows. That scar is gone so they cut that section of skin off and tightened that area up…omg, it hurts to laugh, cough and sneeze. Holy moly lol.  But I have a nice abdominal binder I’ve been told to wear for 6 weeks.  I am going to wear it for 6 months. There is no way I want an Ernie v 2.0. Oh hell to the no!

So yeah, I think it is finally time for my journey to continue upward and onward!  On day of op I was 269lbs, surgeon removed 23lbs which means I should be mathematically at 246lbs. This morning I was 248lbs, that is awesome as I was told not to weigh for 2 months as I’d be extremely swollen and disappointed with the number.  I am in LOVE with that number!!! That number means I lost more weight in hospital! Super excited.

For those who do not understand WHY an apronectomy is important, here is what I posted on FB earlier:

Did you know you CANNOT get rid of fat cells? You can only empty the pockets. This is why after extreme weight loss, skin removal, such as the huge apron is necessary. It’s dead weight that cannot be lost with pockets of empty fat cells telling your body to fill them back up. This was not a vanity op. My tits, yeah, that will be vanity and private pay lol, but this was a necessary step to move forward.

Thank you all for your support. Obesity is so complex and very VERY few actually grasp the difficulty of fighting physics and biology every second of every day. I am winning my personal war.

I say my own personal war as not everyone who is large needs to be less large. Im a huge fan of live and let live, shame NO ONE, and do you…ALWAYS DO YOU! Your body belongs to no one but your own damn self.

And it is so true that no one should be telling anyone else what they can/can’t, should/shouldn’t do with their bodies.

Anyways, I shall show the goods! These pics were taken this morning after my lovely sponge bath! Date night tonight to see suicide squad and I’m afraid this is as good as it’s going to get on the beauty front for a couple of weeks lol.

 

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2016, A New Year, Same Goals

Hi everyone! Hope the holidays were kind to you.  I’m surviving, barely. The hubz has been home since Dec 23rd, all day, every day.  My sleep schedule is way off and my mental health is suffering, hardcore.  If I can just make it until Monday Jan 4th, all should go back on track.  I’m so tired from not sleeping well that I’m semi-delusional.

The hubz is irking the crap out of me. We do things and think very differently. He is ADHD and does things fast and moves from thing to thing and Im all aspie and doing things at my own pace, meticulously (in my mind lol) and ugh. I just want him to go back to work. I had fantasies of us spending time together all lovey-dovey….yeah no. He worked on his research, played with the dog, went bowling, had naps. bah humbug! Go back to work lol! Don’t get me wrong, I love him and we are great together…but right now, less is more if ya get me haha.

So New Years it is. I don’t do resolutions anymore. There really isn’t much to resolve to that isn’t already a goal I am working on. I’m down to 274 now, 30lbs away from losing 400lbs. That’s just nuts! My hip has healed up nicely and my new favourite shoes are my knee high suede boots with a 1.5 in heel. I never thought I’d be able to wear heels agin but alas I can. YAY! I feel sexy as hell in them bad boys! (will post my Christmas outfit at end of post).

I really want to get active. My leg muscles are still so weak and my PT won’t release me for exercise yet, but I’m hopeful as I see him on the 4th. My plan is to utilise the cheap gym fees in Jan, but let the resolution people get it out of their system first. So the last week in Jan, if I don’t have a date for my hernia op, Im going to do it. I get up at 6am anyways, might as well sweat a bit before my shower 🙂

I’m still doing my psych degree. I’m a little behind right now due to mental health and having someone constantly wanting my attention, but hoping I can pull my head out of my butt and get my paper done that is due on the 5th. But it will have to wait as tomorrow we finally see Star Wars-The Force Awakens 🙂 I’m super duper excited!

The boys (hubz and stepson) are watching episode 6 as I type…so am I guess lol, but I can multitask.  I’m so freaking sleepy though that all I can think about it my pillow lol.

Signing off for now. Hopefully next time I update I will be in the 260’s and either have a date for my hernia op or be a paid up member of the gym 🙂

Hope 2016 is great to all of us!

 

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My 9th Immiversary!

So, immiversary isn’t really a word, but it kind of is 🙂  I landed in the UK on Dec 13, 2006, really confused and questioning my sanity and reserve to see this through.

I won’t lie, it has been hard, really really hard.  For every one thing the UK has in common with US culture, there are 100 differences. There were many many meltdowns over seemingly simple things, but those things were so overwhelming to me…and I missed my family like crazy. I still do.

I remember clearly my first sob-fest. My hubz (then fiancee) was no help at all as he didn’t realise how hard things were going to be.  My first month here, we lived with his parents until our rental house became available.  The first morning I went to take a shower….simple right? You get in and wash. WRONG! Not so simple in an old house in England.  First you must pull the cord to turn on the electricity FOR the shower box on the wall…then you get into the shower, have to push buttons and turn knobs to get the shower running.  Now, being jet-lagged, questioning my sanity and never having been east of Utah, this was a meltdown waiting to happen.  And it did happen, in epic fashion.

That instance was the very first of many learning ‘opportunities’, yeah, my ass! More like reasons to cry!  But that was 9 years ago. It seems like an eternity! There isn’t much about Brit life that throws me off now. I have well and truly settled in and I couldn’t feel more at home.

I still miss my family more than words can describe and sometimes I get REALLY bitter about it as the hubz has never been more than an hour away from his parents.  Good thing I love them too as they live about 10 minutes away and we spend a lot of time with them. Still, they don’t really replace the insanity of my own tribe lol.

When we go back to the States it feels amazing to land, smell the smells and take in the sights.  On the way from the airport to my aunts house I cannot help but feel nostalgic and wonder ‘what-if’….a normal response for most I think. That amazing feeling after having landed at SFO lasts approximately 12 hours.  When I wake up all I can think about is getting back home to England.  It such a weird feeling to feel that a place that was always home isn’t home and home is somewhere that is foreign to everyone you are related to.

This is the life of an immigrant.  My world views have changed spectacularly, my politics have followed and I’ve lost most resemblance to any spirituality. My friends back home have called me all sorts of things from traitor to pretentious as I’ve grown so much in so many ways. I cannot control their thoughts or views of me and frankly their opinions aren’t my problem lol.

Life here is good, the weather is shit.  If I could import just ONE thing, it would be sunshine. OMG. The winters here are no joke. It’s not the rain or the occasional snow or even the cold. No, its the super short days that never really get bright. KILLS ME!  The shortest day here, Dec 22 is a whole 7 hours and 49 minutes of ‘day’. Fuck me sideways! It’s so depressing! I’m on an incredible amount of Vit D and sit with my SAD light for 5-7 hours a day. Im trying SO HARD to fight it without taking meds! SO HARD! ugh. I need a holiday, on a beach, in a country along the equator lol.

By this time next year I should be properly British with a red passport. And I swear to all that is holy, if that racist ass-hat with shit for hair wins the US election, I will find £2000 if I have to rob a place to renounce my citizenship.  Im joking about the robbing part, but 10000% serious about the rest.

Anyways, hope this finds anyone out there in good spirits. Sorry for the random post about my life that has nothing to do with WLS lol, but I had to get it out of me 🙂

 

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Hit Goal, Got a New Hip!

As I sit here, I am below my surgeons goal weight for me. I am 278lbs and hoping to lose more, though it is slow going and I have a fight for every pound I get off, but that’s ok as my surgeon said I would be very lucky to hit 280 (for those new, my start weight was 644lbs/46 stone)  🙂  In UK speak I’m a teenager and in the 19 stone range. It feels amazing on paper, and sometimes looks amazing in pictures, but I don’t actually feel much different….that’s neither good or bad, just weird!

At the end of September I got a new shiny left hip! My hip had completely collapsed and my femur had overgrown it’s head into my pelvis. It was as painful as it sounds! I was on 50mcg fentanyl patches topped up with 60mg codeine and I could still feel it!!!!!! Oh my lord, all my aches and pains now seem very minor in comparison to that experience.

The surgeon did give me some length back in my left leg….thankfully!!! I’ve been 5’10” since I was 12….so in my mid 30’s to only be 5’7″ was traumatic…and I couldn’t stand up straight…or walk more than 5 feet with my stick. Now, thanks to my shiny titanium hip and physical therapy, I can stand mostly upright, I’m not short anymore and I am getting around ok.  I still need my crutches, but it is getting better every day! It’s rare to be 37, fat AND get a hip replacement….just goes to show just how bad my situation was.

Now, I am off the fentanyl.  After research and consideration (and going through withdrawals if I was a few hours late with a new patch) I decided to cold turkey it. My GP wanted to titrate my dose down…which to me translated to: drawing out the terrible process of getting off of opiates! I had a choice of 2 months of niggling withdrawals or 3 weeks of pure hell.  I choose quick hell. My reasoning mostly, was that I was sleeping like shit anyways, recovering from my hip replacement. I am not a back sleeper, at all. It hurts, my legs swell, my back kills and I just don’t go into deep sleep.

Sooooooo, using the time of shitty sleep to get off of fentanyl seemed ideal as my first symptoms of W/D was always panic attacks just as I would drift off to sleep.  It’s a crazy feeling of gasping for air and your heart beating out of your chest….and sweats….yuck.  Since I wasn’t sleeping deeply, this issue was nearly negligible. I knew it would get worse, and it did.

The tummy issues. Dear god, the tummy issues!!!! Coming out of hospital I was on fentanyl, oxycodone AND codeine. Pooing was a luxury I did not know! However, once I was detoxing from it all it felt like I had the flu whilst being repeatedly punched in the stomach whilst having a hot poker shoved up my ass.  I dealt with that part like a trooper, but I knew the worst was yet to come.

If you don’t have experience with opiates, they make you feel GOOD…like antidepressant GOOD! They do this by changing (over time) the pathways in the brain. I had been on codeine going on 5 years and fentanyl going on 2 years….so yeah, I was in for some serious fucking mental anguish! And it came.

I think it was midweek 2. Everything was blah, everything in my body hurt, and then boom. Depression hit, suicide seemed a viable option and I just couldn’t figure out how to pull myself up enough that I didn’t want to die.  The only saving saving graces were a) the hubz knew I was going through W/D’s and wasn’t myself and b) I knew this wasn’t me, it wasn’t bipolar, it was a chemical issue in my brain from the lack of opiates.  It sucked ASSSSSSSS!!!!!  I knew if I could just get through the next week, I would be ok.

And I was.  I wanted to blog during that time, but it was bad, dark, and I complained A LOT.  I didn’t want people to think I had completely lost my mind.  Thankfully, this was a physical dependence and not a psychological one. No matter how bad the suffering was, I never contemplated going back on it. Remember, my GP had no idea (and still doesn’t as she’s been off sick) that I was planning to go cold turkey, so it was an option if I wanted it, but I never even considered it.

It was worth it. 3 weeks of hell and it’s over. My tummy still isn’t right, but I think that may be my iron….that I have to take…for life!

This whole experience gave me more compassion for those truly addicted, in all senses, to drugs.  Getting off of fentanyl was tough enough and I wanted off ASAP and I had no psychological need for it. I can’t imagine those who NEED it, trying to get through the hell of W/D’s whilst resisting their known comfort. Fuck that must me hard. Harder than I can imagine!

(Worth a mention is I was diagnosed by a rheumatologist with Fibromyalgia. My life, my body makes so much sense now; the chronic fatigue, hypoglycaemia, random extreme pain with no arthritic cause. ugh. Just one more label really, but this one makes things I’ve struggled with for 20+ years, make sense.)

I will end it here and try not to wait so long before updating. I am still studying but have changed to a Pscyh degree! Go me! I decided what I want to do when I grow up 😉

And a pic 🙂 This is me leaving the hospital after my hip replacement and a 1 week (to the day) stay! I was told I’d be in for 2 weeks, but I pushed myself and tried sooooooooo hard to impressed the physical therapist lol. Being in pain sucks, but it seems to suck a lot more in a hospital than it does at home 🙂

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Whoa! I’m the 200’s Bitches!!!!!!

I’ve seen so many milestones come and go…..and have neglected to update you all who are not my personal friends or family.

My journey has been a LONG SLOG through the psyche of a lifetime fatty and a transition into the world as a normal sized person. I’m still fat at 297lbs, but so is most of the world now. heh. You know that saying “By the time I’m thin, fat will be in”…yeah, I’m feeling it lol.

The way strangers treat me now is completely, radically different. It’s not a confidence issue at all. I’m less confident now as a cripple who uses a walking stick, walker, or wheelchair to get about, but the reaction to me now in social situations is one of respect and kindness. It’s weird. Straight up odd. However, the realisation that people DO treat me differently is validation to my former self that slight snubs were not in fact in my head but were real and intentional! ugh. Sometimes people suck!

Life is pretty good right now. It’s summer break from studying!!! I am now halfway through my degree. 🙂 Lord knows what I’m going to do with it when I am finished as life keeps knocking me down. I am getting my first joint replacement at the end of summer. My lift hip did a runner! I do no have a hip! 😦 Instead, my thigh bone has mutated in an effort to compensate….and all this has done is shifted my pelvis on the left side UP…I have a nearly 2 inch difference now in length of my left leg and right leg.

Now if that wasn’t bummer enough! I am being tested for RA, PSA, and Lupus as something isn’t quite right. My toe joints, my finger joints and my elbows are inflamed and have issues…..I promise you I did not go walking around on my elbows…like ever lol. ugh. Gotta keep smiling though…everything happens for a reason…or some optimistic shit 🙂

I saw my surgeon on Friday….and he was beyond proud of me! It validated so much of what I have gone through! People can say what they’d like about me, but my progress really speaks for itself. 🙂 So neener, neener, I am a success! I’m only 17lbs away from his goal for me, but I have plans to blow that WAY out of the water 😉 Just cos I can and I love pissing my haters off 🙂

I have printed out a to-do style list of topics to write about in my blog as I really want to start updating more and talking about the tough shit that has gone on during my journey….so expect a little more haha. Just a little…..maybe monthly or bi-weekly updates. I also want to write a book so I need to decide what to share here and what parts of the journey to save for that 🙂

Without further ado, here are some progress pics!

selfie compare June 2015

June2015 compare

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